(5-minute read)
This is a question I get asked sometimes by clients and I am really glad. It opens up the opportunity for me to enquire with the client about what’s going on for them. And what I mean by that is that I am interested in what’s driving that question.
“But what if it’s not that deep” I hear you say. Well, good point. But what if it is…
On the one hand it could very well be about the cost of therapy. The thinking may be: “Am I doing this right because it’s costing me a heck of a lot of money and I don’t have enough of it to waste it so I want to get the most out of it”.
I am really aware that for a lot of clients we see; whether finances are tight or not particularly; it’s a stretch for them to spend money on themselves. Which again, on the one hand, if you don’t have it to spend it’s going to mean clients are budgeting heavily to be able to do it. But on the other it possibly suggests a lack mindset or an inability to justify the investment in the self which suggests a possible feeling of a lack of self-worth. Either way clients want to see results fast to be able to justify the money spent, and we understand that. That’s why we offer therapy at all different price points and we offer concessions, and we carefully assess whether we can help you get to where you want to be.
But what if it was that deep…
For me this also suggests a core need to get things right and that makes me wonder about where that comes from. It speaks to what I might term a ‘Driver’ (Tabi Kahler). Drivers are so called because they drive specific behaviours and these are: Be Perfect, Hurry Up, Be Strong, Please Others and Try Hard. These drivers protect against the verbal and/or non-verbal internalised message about how a child might feel ‘OK’ or ‘NOT OK’ in the world and in the eyes of significant others, parents and caregivers for example. According to this theory, being ‘OK’ is the optimum position we are all striving for. So, we might say that Drivers allow us to feel ok. But this also means that we are only ‘OK’ when we are seen to be in that driver behaviour and either: being perfect, trying hard, hurrying up and doing everything as fast as possible or being strong and solving our problems on our own. I find the latter is a big one for anyone who has been to boarding school, parentified daughters of emotionally unavailable mothers and boys who grew into men who were raised to not show their emotions.
So going back to the original question posed by the client, as their therapist I might wonder why they have asked me that question, I would ask them and explore that with them, and there will be layers to it and all of the above may be applicable in varying degrees. But it does suggest a need for acceptance from me and sometimes clients want to ‘be a good client’ and ‘get it right for me, rather than themselves. And there’s the work because the optimum space for us to be working together is one where both client and therapist are equal and in an ‘I’M OK, YOU’RE OK’ therapeutic relationship. As a therapist and supervisor I am always looking to correct any power imbalance because I want to provide clients with a ‘corrective’ experience, one where they don’t have to be perfect, be seen to be trying really hard all the time (burn out!), being strong- they can allow me ‘in’ to support them, and they aren’t only ok when they’re pleasing other people and forgetting about their own needs and doing everything at top speed (hurry up).
In therapy I work with the core needs of the individual which is always to be seen, heard and understood for who they really are by significant others. Clients usually come to me because they have relational trauma. That is, trauma from their patterns of relating, often set in early life. In this case, an internalised message that they are only OK if they are doing everything perfectly. The problem comes when life doesn’t pan out as they planned and the client interprets this as a sign that they are not perfect and that creates internal collapse and psychological distress.
So, as you’ve gathered this simple question from the client really makes me curious. And if I’m working with a client long term I will be very much working with the internalised drivers of behaviours along with the” Injunctions” (Golding and Golding) or the ‘Don’ts’. And these are: Don’t Exist, Don’t Be You, Don’t Be a Child, Don’t Grow Up, Don’t Succeed, Don’t (Do Anything), Don’t Be Important, Don’t Belong, Don’t Be Close, Don’t Be Well/Sane, Don’t Think, and Don’t Feel. Maybe I’ll write more about those in another post…
I guess what I really want to say is that I believe it’s ok to seek reassurance in therapy, part of reaching out Is about being willing to develop trust with a new person and sometimes as a therapist I need to provide the structure on which the client’s self-trust can grow. The first step to that is creating an environment where the therapist and client can develop a trusting therapeutic relationship, and this alone can take some time. And if you’re asking me such a vulnerable question such as “am I doing this therapy thing right”, I know it’s important to you and I can assure you that it’s ok to bring what ever is important to you for discussion in therapy because therapy isn’t only about what’s being spoken about (the content) it’s about sitting in the space that we create together, feeling seen, feeling heard and feeling accepted unconditionally by me, a fellow human being who is making the effort to understand your perspective and see the world through your eyes. And from there I can help you make sense of how you internalise what’s going on and what it all means to you.
I know therapy is an investment, of time, money and faith and we here at Dialogues want to help you get to where you want to be as soon as possible. So ease yourself into a space where you can begin to be open to the feeling of being accepted (which can be challenging and confronting in itself) and trust yourself that even though coming to therapy and facing yourself is going to be tough sometimes, you can trust yourself to know if you’re in a therapeutic relationship that feels as though your best interests are front and centre. And a really good way of finding that out Is to ask questions and listen to how you feel about the response you get.
If you’re interested in doing any sort of therapy work, coaching or personal development our therapists are here. We are exceptionally skilled at connecting and attuning with our clients and we are certain we can help you through whatever it is you’ll be bringing.
Email to self-refer to the therapist of your choice: talktodialogues@gmail.com
By Jo Wood, EMDR trauma therapist, Clinical Relational Supervisor and Psychotherapist for adults, couples and groups.
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