Dialogues

Relationship dynamics:

Moving out of Victim and into Vulnerable with the help of the Winner’s Triangle (Choy, 1990)

The ability to shift away from high emotion and into self-regulation in relationship dynamics is a key determinant in whether a relationship is going to be successful or not. It’s natural and normal in relationships between people that there will be disagreements and conflicting opinions- work and home. How we resolve conflict is crucial when it comes to determining whether a relationship will survive and thrive. Through effective communication, disagreements can be positive for a relationship, because greater understanding of the other can be gleaned and relationships can be enhanced through the depth of intimacy this creates.

Arguments of the heated variety happen when people are unaware of the emotional wounds they are carrying and so in times that create stress and challenge, they are ‘triggered’ into emotional dysregulation. This means that the survival centre of the brain is activated and when that’s the case it’s near on impossible to communicate needs, views and wishes calmly, clearly and effectively. Instead we are likely to react by shouting, walking out, withdrawing or moving towards pleasing behaviours. None of which improve relations for the better for either party in the long run.

So why put in the work?

The benefits to us humans in terms of successful intimate relationships are immeasurable including lower stress levels, less anxiety and depression, higher self-esteem and a stronger immune system meaning that we recover from illness quicker and life span is potentially increased.

Similarly, in good and effective working relationships the benefits include lower stress levels, greater productivity, increased motivation and efficient task performance. Having team mates you respect and understand (not necessarily agree with all the time) means you’re more likely to perform to the best of your abilities.

I help people to use their thinking for problem solving, take action by taking care of themselves, and using emotions and feelings to develop self- awareness. Developing understanding of themselves and what’s important to them, learning to clearly communicate from an authentic place and actively listening to others needs and wants creates understanding and develops relationships leading to greater understanding and empathy for others.

If you’re experiencing some challenges in your relationship dynamics either at work with colleagues or employees, or in your personal life, maybe it would be helpful to reach out.

How to find a private therapist in 2024

Unfortunately finding a private therapist in the UK is no easy task and the sad fact is that pretty much anyone can have minimal training (or none at all!), set themselves up in private practice and charge an hourly fee. Also many big organisations are taking over the sector, charging you the client top dollar whilst employing newly qualified therapists at low wages.

The BACP one of our main regulatory bodies in the UK have been trying really hard, along with others to create a framework, which is soon to be in place, to help guide clients in their search for a therapist. It’s caused a ruckus shall we say but I can see their reasoning although I’m not sure it’s going to help the client much. Therapists are in two minds and many are not happy as the framework places each of us, depending on our level of qualification, in a band which determines who we can work with.

The other issue is that so few paid jobs are available to newly qualified therapists who have only done their basic training that many are forced into full time private practice with (usually) only the client contact hours they left college with.

Here is a guide which I hope you find helpful:

Make a list of the main issues you would like to work on in therapy. Are you seeking therapy for yourself, you and your partner or for a child? Be prepared to do some research. Its’ ok you don’t have to have all the answers, it is good if you have an idea of how frequently you would like to have sessions and what days and times you are available. Would you like online sessions or face to face?
Visit the websites of the main Counselling and Psychotherapeutic membership bodies, these are BACP, BABCP, UKCP and NCS. Not all highly qualified and experienced therapist are on these registers but you can use them to cross reference with the directories below. Read as many profiles as you can. Make a list of the qualities and experience level you’d like your therapist to have. I recommend you choose a therapist who is accredited with their professional body because in order to obtain their Accreditation qualification they will have had to go through a rigorous process that takes many months. Don’t be put off if a therapist doesn’t feature on their membership body directory, it is often extremely expensive to advertise in this way and some therapists just can’t justify the cost if they don’t get much work through the site.
Search the online Directories– Counselling Directory and Psychology Today for therapists in your area. You can either search under your post code or through the kind of issue you’re bringing to therapy. Notice which of the therapists have MBACP after their name and which have MBACP (Accred). This means they are either just a member they’ve done their basic training) or that they’ve achieved accreditation. You’ll notice fees vary a great deal but here you can compare qualification with experience.
Make a list of those therapists you think might be contenders. Create a short list of perhaps 3 and arrange an initial call on the phone with each. Some charge for tis but most wont. So much about therapy comes down to the therapeutic relationship so be sure to choose someone that you like and you think you will be able to get along with and will feel comfortable with over time.
Trust your gut when choosing and ask questions. Once you’ve chosen…
Read their working agreement. How will they process your data, do you have to pay for missed sessions, what happens if you’re going on holiday? What happens if they are?
First session. You’re bound to feel a bit nervous. Therapy probably isn’t going to be easy but you can expect to feel heard, seen and validated throughout the process.

How we navigate Clinical Wills in 2024

Have you considered what might happen to your clients and supervisees if anything happens to you? I hadn’t until a major life change caused me to think of my personal Will. Then recently I was approached by a therapist whose supervisor had gone ‘radio silent’. No information, no contact, and no knowledge of whether they were coming back. The lack of information and complete unknown left the therapist in the dark about whether to move on or wait a bit longer. After a period of waiting they decided they’d better make steps towards finding a new supervisor, they were inevitably left with some complex feelings. We wondered together about that person’s clients as well…

As therapists we are used to talking about difficult subjects. When asking around it surprised me a bit that few of those I asked had given much thought to what would happen in the event of their sudden illness or death. Others said they’d hope a colleague might step in but for those of us in private practice that don’t have a colleague who can step in…

When we dare to ‘go there’ and plan for such things we can achieve peace of mind for ourselves so that if and when the time comes we can concentrate on what feels important at the time in the knowledge that the business side of things is being taken care of by trusted professionals and in line with our wishes.

Illness or sudden death can render us unable to create the kind of closure we might like for those we are working with but if we plan for it, there’s no need for concern if it happens. Whilst within our human nature we might not like to consider a time when we are no longer able to work, it is important that we as professionals dare to ‘go there’ and subsequently plan ahead.

I have created a service that is run for counsellors and psychotherapists, by counsellors and psychotherapists for our peace of mind. Your clinical affairs will be handled by professionals you can trust, who understand the work we do, your privacy is respected and your client’s needs are prioritised. Any wishes that you have for them will be carried out confidentially, sensitively and professionally.

Not knowing what’s happened and simply not hearing from a therapist or supervisor can be very difficult for those we work with. Not to mention what it might be like for you if you are unable to provide the kind of ending that you know will be helpful to your clients. It can also be difficult for Next of Kin or Power of Attorney to know what to do when there are so many other concerns and emotions at that time. Creating a policy to take care of those you’re working with and ensuring a satisfactory ending that provides you with peace of mind is as important for them as it is for you.

We have bespoke and ready to go plans available, please email info@clinical-will.com

Relationship dynamics

People often come to see me during or after a relationship breakdown. I help clients make sense of what’s happened in the relationship and clients are always keen to understand what they can do differently so that they can either repair the relationship or work on themselves so that, in the future, the same recurring patterns don’t keep showing up.

Self development means doing the work to learn about the aspects of your personality that you may not be proud of (in other words the shadow side) but are there nevertheless and consciously or unconsciously drive behaviours that either benefit or sabotage relationships. We all have these aspects to ourselves! If we can at least become aware, and if we know and understand why we do the things we do then we can make choices about whether those thoughts, motivations and behaviours are helping us or hindering us from having those satisfying relationships that are so desirable.

I help clients recognise their motivations, voice their needs and solidify their boundaries so that they can have satisfying, harmonious relationships with partners who are loving, supportive, compassionate, kind, respectful and trustworthy.

Counsellingwithjowood@gmail.com

Relationship Counselling

The specific area of relationship work that I’d like to focus on today is the kind of relationships that leave clients feeling confused, upset and stuck, usually after a disagreement. There is often a lack of satisfactory resolution for one partner and they repeatedly find themselves feeling uneasy, uncomfortable and as though they have to appease and adapt their behaviour to make the other person feel better and resolve the argument.

Clients often arrive in therapy feeling burnt out, exhausted and as though there is something ‘very wrong’ with their thinking, that their thinking is ‘unhealthy’, their behaviour is irrational, are being overly emotional and that they are the problem in the relationship. By the time I meet with these clients often they have little to no self-esteem, low confidence, depressed, feeling isolated and often ashamed.

What they have forgotten or have never known is that a relationship is a co-created dynamic.

The clients I most often see in this scenario find themselves ruminating on what they could change about themselves and how they can improve the relationship. They often find themselves wondering how they ended up in this position and in a ‘fog’ and they can’t see clearly. They are tired of trying to change themselves when nothing seems to help and they are out of options to understand why all their efforts to make the relationship better fail to satisfactorily improve things. The client’s ability to self-reflect suggests conscience and these clients are often very concerned about the impact their behaviour is having on the people closest to them, they want to do everything they can to make the relationship better so they can go back to a time in the relationship when things were good and their partner was loving towards them.

If you recognise yourself in any of the above it’s possible that all the problems in the relationship are not down to you at all.

First off, let’s be clear about what a typical healthy relationship looks like:

Two people who are choosing to be together, that have made a commitment to work together equally in their relationship to solve problems and issues. Two people who care for each other, are individuals that support each other and treat each other with respect at all times, even when angry. Emotionally mature people discuss their differences, that doesn’t mean people don’t get passionate about things, but there is a safety and security in the knowledge that both parties are equal and understand their responsibility to communicate those differences so that a resolution in the best interests of both parties is possible. Both people have an opportunity to speak and be listened to and really heard in disagreements and there is a sense that they are a team, on the same side, working together. Both parties are open about finances and both parties agree and are content with how they communicate differences on important subjects such as how children are parented, how money is spent, how money is saved and the family priorities. They have a shared expectation of each other to improve themselves and be their best selves.

In some relationships there is a clear power imbalance and in some relationships this can spill over into a scenario where one partner exerts power and control over the other by using manipulation, guilt tripping, coercion and sometimes violent actions or words to push their agenda forward.

I work with clients who have become aware of the power imbalance in their relationships. They are alive to the ways in which the relationship dynamic is impacting on them and they are looking for ways to cope.

This kind of power dynamic victimizes and disempowers. Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, the loss of a sense of self and a need to appease are key features.

These relationships really inflict trauma and affect the mental health and wellbeing of the people involved. It’s imperative that you get the right kind of help and support.

If you would like support please email: counsellingwithjowood@gmail.com or talktodialogues@gmail.com.

I can show you how to recognise the signs, support yourself and gently navigate away from abuse.

How my brain works

How My Brain Works

This piece was written by : Barbara Koltuska-Haskin, Ph.D. and featured in Psychology Today. Please find a link to the original article below and if you’d like to make your own milk kefir drinks and smoothies, please send me an email.

Why Kefir Is Good for Your “Second Brain”

Kefir is a powerful probiotic that helps keep you healthy.

Kefir is a fermented dairy product made out of the milk of cows, goats or sheep. However, it can also be made from coconut, soy, rice, or almond milk. There is a common belief that it originated in the Caucasus, Tibetan, and Mongolian mountains, but it has been made and consumed all over the world for centuries. Kefir and a slice of homemade bread has been a common part of shepherds’ and small farmers’ healthy field lunch for generations.

Most kefirs sold in the U.S. are made from cow or goat milk. Kefir can be made plain (my favourite) or with a fruit flavour—most commonly, strawberry or blueberry. Kefir is similar to Greek yogurt, but has a different composition of beneficial bacteria. Yogurt is made with bacteria, but kefir is made with bacteria and yeast and is believed to be more beneficial for our health.

The “Second Brain”

Research data indicate that our gut produces more than 90 percent of serotonin, the “feel good” substance in your brain, much more than the brain does (Yano, J.M. et al. 2016). That’s why it’s sometimes called “the second brain.” Your gut’s health is also essential for your immune system. Your gut health depends on the amount and diversity of “good bacteria” it receives, which is essential for the proper working of your intestines and the entire body. Good bacteria in our gut fight the “bad bacteria” that get in there and this is why we can stay healthy.

When we age or have medical problems, especially if we have to take antibiotics, the amount of good bacteria diminishes and the amount of bad bacteria tends to rise, which can cause more health problems. Therefore, we need to supplement the good bacteria in our intestinal system with probiotics. Kefir is one healthy product that contains plenty of good bacteria. (Always read the labels before you buy anything you might eat or drink.)

Why Kefir Is Good for the Second Brain

Kefir is a probiotic, which means that it contains live microorganisms (“good bacteria”) that support digestive health and keep our gut healthy. Kefir has more than 30 different and unique species of good bacteria. Its microorganisms produce organic acids and bacteriocins which interfere with pathogenic bacteria and improve gut health.

Kefir has plenty of health benefits. It has antifungal, antibacterial, anti-oxidant, and cholesterol-lowering properties. It also improves the blood sugar level by reducing plasma glucose, helps with constipation, may support cardiovascular health, and may have some weight-loss benefits. Kefir is also a good source of protein (especially for vegetarians), vitamins, and minerals. It contains vitamins C, K, A, B1, B2 (riboflavin), B5, B7 (biotin), folic acid, and carotene.

Kefir is rich in calcium and magnesium, which are important minerals for a healthy nervous system. It also contains phosphorus, which is important for our bone health, and zinc, which supports our immune system. However, kefir, like any food that contains probiotics, may have some digestive side effects such as gas, bloating, or diarrhea, especially if you first consume them.

Kefir can be used as a healthy salad dressing for summer salads

Source: Barbara Koltuska-Haskin

How to Eat Kefir

Kefir, which has a slightly sour flavor, is most commonly consumed around the world as a breakfast, lunch, or dinner beverage for supporting digestive health. It can be eaten alone or with herbs and spices. It can be used as a healthy salad dressing for summer salads. It works well with granola and fruits as a healthy breakfast or a snack and as a final addition to cold or hot vegetable soups or stews. It mixes well with fruits and veggies for a healthy smoothie and can be an addition to a desert with pastries and sweets or made into popsicles.

Research indicates that it can be consumed by lactose-intolerant people as long as it is raw and not cooked (Gavare, V. at al 2011). Kefir can be bought or you can make your own; there are many recipes for doing it yourself on the internet.

Kefir has important health benefits. The consistency (thickness) and the taste of kefir differs significantly around the world, by region and by brand. Therefore, if you taste one and do not like it, please do not give up; try another brand or do it yourself and you may be in for a nice surprise.

References

Rosa, D. et al. “Milk kefir: nutritional, microbiological and health benefits.” Nutritional Research Reviews, Volume 30, Issue 1, June 2017, pp. 92-96

Gaware, V. et al. “The Magic of Kefir: A Review” Pahrmacologyonline 2011, 1:376-386

Yano, J.M. et al. “Indigenous bacteria from the gut microbiota regulate host serotonin biosynthesis” Cell. 2015 Apr 9; 161(2): 264-276.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/how-my-brain-works/202207/why-kefir-is-good-your-second-brain

Dialogues Low Cost Counselling Service officially launched

I’m very excited to say that there is now a community, non profit counselling service in the heart of the Happy Valley of Hebden Bridge. I’ve always felt extremely strongly that good, professional counselling services shouldn’t only be available to those that can afford them. It’s really important that we are taking care of the wellbeing of all people.

Alongside my private practice I run Dialogues Counselling Service, an organisation that provides counselling placements to trainees and unlimited counselling and psychotherapy sessions to adults and young people living in and around Hebden Bridge, Todmorden and Sowerby Bridge, West Yorkshire.

Trainees: If you’re an exceptional trainee of counselling or psychotherapy, and you’re looking for a placement please send me an email requesting a recruitment pack. You need to already have at least 20 client contact hours or be working towards that.

Clients: If you’re here looking for counselling or psychotherapy and you’re either on an NHS waiting list for a limited number of Counselling/CBT sessions, or don’t feel able to wait please don’t hesitate to get in touch. We don’t have a waiting list.

We offer low cost counselling to anyone who is eligible. We don’t judge, we just want you to feel supported in your life. Have a chat with us today or you can refer yourself by emailing us: talktodialogues@gmail.com.

Mother’s Day

At specific times of the year, difficult feelings (whilst they may be always present), can be triggered by additional pressures that are hard to avoid.

If you haven’t enjoyed the best relationship with your mum, you might be experiencing painful feelings of loss and abandonment associated with that missing relationship. You might look at others’ relationships and wish you had what they have. You might have intense feelings of anger or the opposite, emptiness or feelings of sadness.

Whatever you’re going through it’s valid. If you feel it might be helpful to explore those feelings with someone who will listen I may be able to offer you some space to do that.

Relationships can be challenging and coming to terms with what we didn’t have and what we needed can take time.

Why not get in touch and see if I can support you to feel better.

Some exciting news…

I’ve made it my intention to post insights or blogs more frequently this year because I’ve wanted to reach out to as many people as possible and now with my private practice thriving and moving into supporting fellow professionals with my clinical supervision practice it feels like a good time to forge ahead and make a long awaited dream come true.

To give you some background… I’ve always felt that it is important that counselling is available to everyone who is looking for it. At times in life, most people feel the need to reach out to a professional for support and whilst counselling can be much needed, options for this can be limited. NHS waiting lists are currently long and the cost of weekly sessions with a private therapist can be just too much of a financial stretch.

I am going to be launching Dialogues LCC, this year and I am very excited about it so I wanted to tell you all first.

Dialogues Counselling Service will be run as a non-profit organisation and it was born out of a passion and commitment to serve the local community with affordable counselling and support mental wellbeing. We will be working with professional, dedicated trainee therapists to provide you with ethical, effective counselling for as long as you would like it. We ask clients to fund their sessions by paying what they can afford and places will be means tested. We will be offering counselling to young people aged 16-19 and to adults face to face, in Hebden Bridge, Calderdale and West Yorkshire. Sessions are from as little as £10.

I will co-ordinate the service alongside my own private practice where my clients can choose to PAY IT FORWARD, should they wish to. By potentially supporting an LCC client’s counselling journey with either one session or a course of sessions clients can make it possible for another person to experience the benefits f counselling. Any profits will be invested and used to fund a limited number of free sessions for clients in dire financial constraint.

Whilst our counsellors and psychotherapists may hold a special interest in a specific area, we will work directly with the client’s need and be completely client led, we will do our best to allocate clients to the best possible therapist for them.

So if you know of someone who would benefit from affordable counselling, whatever the difficulty, invite them to get in touch. talktodialogues@gmail.com