Therapists are always talking about the importance of selfcare with their clients. When you start working with us, at some stage, we will probably ask you about how you currently take care of yourself. And we do this because ultimately, the most important relationship you will ever have as an adult, is the one you have with yourself.
If you’ve read this and you’re already rolling your eyes at the thought of ‘selfcare’, I’m sure you’re not alone there.
Sometimes even the thought of selfcare feels too much, some of us aren’t aware of what the term selfcare even is. We feel selfish for taking time out for ourselves or doing nice things ‘just because’. Sometimes selfcare just feels like another thing to add to the TO DO list, something we know we ‘should’ be doing and another thing to feel rubbish about when yet again, there hasn’t been time for it.
In a world where there are so many responsibilities and priorities, just how do we go about taking time for ourselves and what are you actually even supposed to do when you feel like you’re drowning in a sea of competing responsibilities that all feel like the main priority?
Good question!… and as a therapist, a woman and a human being, I’ve asked myself this many times over the years. And at long last, I think I’ve cracked it!
What is self-care NOT about?
It’s not about adding acts of selfcare like bubble baths and Spa Days (although those are nice and they’re helpful too!) to the TO DO list.
So what IS it about?
The short answer is that it’s about changing your priorities and making lists according to what is actually a priority and de prioritising the things that actually are less important. Saying No to the things that you don’t want to do and making time for yourself a non-negotiable. Giving yourself permission to only do what you can and recognising where your limits are is also really important. Some days we have more capacity than other days. What’s important is that you listen to yourself, evaluate your energy levels for that day and make decisions about what is possible, day to day.
The long answer is to learn about yourself and understand the reasons why you are drawn to do the things you are drawn to. What do you get out of doing those things? What do those things really mean to you?
Then it’s about being really honest with yourself and really evaluating what works for you and what doesn’t. Maybe it used to work or you and no longer does. Change is important and necessary. And appreciating that change is hard for most of us, it’s about working towards feeling more comfortable with making necessary changes and challenging the feelings associated with making those changes. From there, it’s possible to work on the parts of ones-self that holds the belief that drives the behaviour and what, if anything, you would like to be different. That’s where seeing a therapist can help.
Therapy involves forming a unique relationship with a consistent, respectful, non-judgemental human being. One that has no agenda, one that will listen to you in order to understand you, respect your thoughts and feelings and one that will prioritise what you want and need. Most people at some point in their lives find it very helpful to speak to someone they don’t know, confidentially, about their lives with a view to helping them through a tough time, a difficult situation or a change. It’s the most un-selfish thing you can do for yourself, because when we choose to work on ourselves, everyone in our life benefits.
Here are 3 things you can do today to make your load feel lighter:
- Give yourself permission to stop and have a mindful moment to yourself, no distractions.
- Say ‘NO’ just for once, to that thing you don’t really want to do but feel you should.
- Advocate for yourself and tell someone when they’ve crossed a boundary or hurt your feelings. One of the kindest things you can do for yourself is to advocate for yourself.
And finally:
- Start prioritising yourself and doing things because you care about yourself. Act out of a place of love as opposed to a place of fear. For example, eat the apple because you care about nourishing your body rather than because your jeans feel a little tighter today.
If none of those options feels manageable for you today, maybe you could reflect on why and maybe it would be helpful to reach out to us for an initial, no obligation chat on the phone.
Dialogues 