Erskine (1999) 8 relational needs for healthy relationships.

1. The need for security– this is important because when we feel secure we are not in survival mode (think: fight, flight, freeze).In practical terms this can look like aligned values over money and shared plans for the future and generally feeling ‘on the same page’ as your partner along with the ability to resolve conflict constructively by listening and talking and thereby not triggering old abandonment wounds.

• The need to feel validated, affirmed, and significant within a relationship– Feeling like a significant and valid member of the team on a core level, feeling respected, having views and opinions respected and feeling able to share differences without risk or fear of conflict.   

• The need to be accepted by a stable, dependable, and protective other person– partners are stable, consistent and mean what they say, both partners are compromising and appreciating the presence of the other.

• The need for confirmation of personal experience– this encompasses quality time, attention over the small things, empathy for the others’ personal experience and the ability to see and hear the other as well as communicate needs.

• The need for self-definition– To be able to maintain your individuality in the relationship, to feel supported to achieve individual life goals and aspirations as well as those that nourish the relationship.

• The need to have an impact on the other person– To feel that what we say matters, to feel connected with and to and to feel that the other is ‘with us’.

• The need to have the other person initiate– Ease, connection and intimacy to feel vital at a core level. Physical interaction and connection through touch and warmth.

• The need to express love– similar to above, self-expression in loving and intimate ways through touch, language, care and consideration. To express love and have that reciprocated authentically and for it to be well received.

Many of us go into relationships focussing on the potential of the other person to provide what we need. When we first learn to notice where the wounds are in ourselves or as I prefer to refer to it, the areas of need and sensitivity, we can first learn to support ourselves and then find healthy relationships that can support us to support ourselves in those needs.