Moving out of Victim and into Vulnerable with the help of the Winner’s Triangle (Choy, 1990)
The ability to shift away from high emotion and into self-regulation in relationship dynamics is a key determinant in whether a relationship is going to be successful or not. It’s natural and normal in relationships between people that there will be disagreements and conflicting opinions- work and home. How we resolve conflict is crucial when it comes to determining whether a relationship will survive and thrive. Through effective communication, disagreements can be positive for a relationship, because greater understanding of the other can be gleaned and relationships can be enhanced through the depth of intimacy this creates.
Arguments of the heated variety happen when people are unaware of the emotional wounds they are carrying and so in times that create stress and challenge, they are ‘triggered’ into emotional dysregulation. This means that the survival centre of the brain is activated and when that’s the case it’s near on impossible to communicate needs, views and wishes calmly, clearly and effectively. Instead we are likely to react by shouting, walking out, withdrawing or moving towards pleasing behaviours. None of which improve relations for the better for either party in the long run.
So why put in the work?
The benefits to us humans in terms of successful intimate relationships are immeasurable including lower stress levels, less anxiety and depression, higher self-esteem and a stronger immune system meaning that we recover from illness quicker and life span is potentially increased.
Similarly, in good and effective working relationships the benefits include lower stress levels, greater productivity, increased motivation and efficient task performance. Having team mates you respect and understand (not necessarily agree with all the time) means you’re more likely to perform to the best of your abilities.
I help people to use their thinking for problem solving, take action by taking care of themselves, and using emotions and feelings to develop self- awareness. Developing understanding of themselves and what’s important to them, learning to clearly communicate from an authentic place and actively listening to others needs and wants creates understanding and develops relationships leading to greater understanding and empathy for others.
If you’re experiencing some challenges in your relationship dynamics either at work with colleagues or employees, or in your personal life, maybe it would be helpful to reach out.
Dialogues 