The specific area of relationship work that I’d like to focus on today is the kind of relationships that leave clients feeling confused, upset and stuck, usually after a disagreement. There is often a lack of satisfactory resolution for one partner and they repeatedly find themselves feeling uneasy, uncomfortable and as though they have to appease and adapt their behaviour to make the other person feel better and resolve the argument.
Clients often arrive in therapy feeling burnt out, exhausted and as though there is something ‘very wrong’ with their thinking, that their thinking is ‘unhealthy’, their behaviour is irrational, are being overly emotional and that they are the problem in the relationship. By the time I meet with these clients often they have little to no self-esteem, low confidence, depressed, feeling isolated and often ashamed.
What they have forgotten or have never known is that a relationship is a co-created dynamic.
The clients I most often see in this scenario find themselves ruminating on what they could change about themselves and how they can improve the relationship. They often find themselves wondering how they ended up in this position and in a ‘fog’ and they can’t see clearly. They are tired of trying to change themselves when nothing seems to help and they are out of options to understand why all their efforts to make the relationship better fail to satisfactorily improve things. The client’s ability to self-reflect suggests conscience and these clients are often very concerned about the impact their behaviour is having on the people closest to them, they want to do everything they can to make the relationship better so they can go back to a time in the relationship when things were good and their partner was loving towards them.
If you recognise yourself in any of the above it’s possible that all the problems in the relationship are not down to you at all.
First off, let’s be clear about what a typical healthy relationship looks like:
Two people who are choosing to be together, that have made a commitment to work together equally in their relationship to solve problems and issues. Two people who care for each other, are individuals that support each other and treat each other with respect at all times, even when angry. Emotionally mature people discuss their differences, that doesn’t mean people don’t get passionate about things, but there is a safety and security in the knowledge that both parties are equal and understand their responsibility to communicate those differences so that a resolution in the best interests of both parties is possible. Both people have an opportunity to speak and be listened to and really heard in disagreements and there is a sense that they are a team, on the same side, working together. Both parties are open about finances and both parties agree and are content with how they communicate differences on important subjects such as how children are parented, how money is spent, how money is saved and the family priorities. They have a shared expectation of each other to improve themselves and be their best selves.
In some relationships there is a clear power imbalance and in some relationships this can spill over into a scenario where one partner exerts power and control over the other by using manipulation, guilt tripping, coercion and sometimes violent actions or words to push their agenda forward.
I work with clients who have become aware of the power imbalance in their relationships. They are alive to the ways in which the relationship dynamic is impacting on them and they are looking for ways to cope.
This kind of power dynamic victimizes and disempowers. Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, the loss of a sense of self and a need to appease are key features.
These relationships really inflict trauma and affect the mental health and wellbeing of the people involved. It’s imperative that you get the right kind of help and support.
If you would like support please email: counsellingwithjowood@gmail.com or talktodialogues@gmail.com.
I can show you how to recognise the signs, support yourself and gently navigate away from abuse.
Dialogues 